it was bound to happen. something good entered my life and now its gone. and once again I was the one who got dumped. wow!

I fucking knew it

BITTER

Wow its been like 2 years since I last used this thing. well Im still pissed hahahahaha but moslty about different stuff. more grown up shit if you will. petty little things like band drama and stupid little kid bullshit doesn't really bother me as much. Im stressed as fuck. more than ive ever been. i worry too much. not just about myself but for other people

Im extremely worried about alot of people in my life. my mom and dad are both really sick still. my girlfriend is sick. my friend krista might lose her place because of fucking lance and his retarded friends. god i wish that guy would OD already. I would wish AIDS on him but hed probably spread it like crazy. he is literally a waste of life. he will never go anywhere in life and i hope he seriously gets shot or stabbed before he turns 21.

the band is doing ok and by ok i mean things could be better. we're almost to the point to where we want to take it to the next level. but its like only two of us are on the same page. the other two have other plans. which is understandable, but why join a band that two of the members want to do full when you're not entirely serious about doing it at all. this isn't a hobby for me. this is what I want to do with my life. oh well im sure we can find new people and keep this going. if not. fuck it. I'll quit music altogether. Im tired of failing at life. as hard as I try, and I do, nothing ever seems to work out for the best with me. it'll get better but out of no where something fucks me over.



whatever same old shit. told ya nothing has changed

I wish i could have intelligent conversations with people. hell, I wish I could have a meaningful conversation with someone. all my conversations are always about the same shit. Music, Hardcore, tattoos, work, shitty life, blah blah blah. like sometimes i feel like im not worthy enough to talk to certain people and that they're just looking at me thinking "damn this guy has no idea what hes talking about". I can't wait till i can talk to someone about my career. or something worth talking about. I can't wait for someone to ask me what i do for a living and I answer "(Career of choice)". till then im just another insignificant dude.

Im glad I don't drink


othewise I'd be such a Fucking mess right now

Well its been quite a while since my last entry and nothing has changed at all. It seems that EVERYONE is happy about something but me. Im not happy about anything. my mom isn't better. i still haven't gotten a job. I don't feel good about myself at all. I feel like a shitty friend because I haven't really hung out with anyone in a while. I thought i was going to be fine. I made myself believe that everything was going to be ok. I feel like a piece of shit that isn't doing anything. and im not doing anything productive with my life. I have no goals. I have no ambitions. I don't know what i want to do. everything Im good at and ever wanted to do is music and that always ends badly. once i think Im doing ok BOOM!! "sorry dude you gotta go", "yeah,ummmm as far as the band goes, you're pretty much out" and so on and so forth. I feel like im looked down upon by everyone. I feel very low. I shouldn't even be thinking of myself right now. my mom is probably feeling worse than me right now. god damn it! Im horrible at everything i do. how do i fix this? this weekend I went to ensenada with my family for a family reunion type thing and I realized that I had nothing really important to talk about. im not doing anything at all that is worth even bringing up in a conversation. My cousins and my sister and everyone else really were having like conversations about school, work, whatever and the most i could say to anyone was make a joke about something. I had a good time and everything but that bothered the shit out of me. I couldn't stop thinking about it the entire way home. I felt like if there was a kids table I should've sat at it. while my little sister, and brother had meaningful conversations with my cousins and their significant others. If spoke it would only be to make a joke out of something. I wish i could be happy about something though. anything. but can't look forward to anything. Everyone has something they look forward to whether its going to school, finishing a project at work, shit even drinking a beer everyone i know still has something they're looking forward to. I dread everyday now waiting for something else to go wrong. today is supposed to be a fine fun filled day. I mean come on its warped tour. but i can't help but think or predict that something bad is going to happen. I think im just gonna stay in and watch movies or something. besides no one will miss me its only one day. even people that shouldn't deserve happiness are extremely happy. stupid bitches are stoked that they got knocked up or fuckin assholes are out getting really good jobs and buying a house they can abuse their children and wife in. Fuck life and everything involved

I give up

Im just waiting to get hit by a bus and live. but be paralyzed yeah i bet that would help out the situation even more FUCK YOU!

Life sucks and makes me want to kill myself.........but my friends don't, I love you all

Tonight was awesome. met some awesome new dudes. saw some OLD friends. had a great time in the old Teej. So yeah Wigga please!!

I miss you sam and richard

well well well guess who got kicked out of yet another band. I fucking Suck.

So tonight was the calabrese show at the zombie lounge and let me just say that the calabrese brothers are some of the nicest down to eart REAL dudes Ive ever met. they're fun. we always have a great time with them when they come out. We need to tour with them. that being said the show was AMAZING. our set was flawless. my public speaking skills are even better now. Civet played too. WOW those girls are amazing people. I swear they need clones or something so i can date at least one of them. they're everything a dude like me could ask for they're fun, talented, and just all around great people. I arrived at the show pissed of as usual. why i have no idea. but after i played i was sooooo wired and happy nothing could've ruined my night. but alas in the back of my mind there was something brewing. some well kept sadness. I was fine till about last call. when i realized I was the only one there who was single. Everyone had someone. it fucking sucked. Oh well. im over it now. I kinda forgot about it after sean hit a bunny on the freeway. STUPID FUCKING RABBIT came out of nowhere. i felt bad. it was the bunny's fault and we couldn't do anything about it. but yeah all in al it was a good night. it sucked that alot of my peeps didn't come but thats ok there'll be another time. and another place until then TTFN ta ta for now hoo hoo hoo hoo!!!!!!!

so last night i went to the snow!!!!!! It was awesome i got to play in it for a little while but it was cut short oh well a least i can say ive been to the snow now. it was great though. i got to throw it and kick it and jump around in it and make it yellow. after the snow we hung out with JUSTIN i haven't seen that kid in ages. we went to this band called his irate lifes practice and got insulted by some screamo looking faggot who said he hated straight edge hardcore kids and when he found out me and mike were straght edge he was all apologetic. we didn't do anything though we just let him shit his pants. thats funny i made someone nervous. hahahahaha. after that bullshit we went to see rebecca in bonita. she was house sitting across the street from a house the seemed to be very much into the idea of rodeos because they ahd a large(water)buffalo in their yard with a cattle fence or sorts. it was very very funny. it was really good seeing rebecca too plus i finaly got to meet leah. she was actually very nice. i had fun yesterday despite the fact that i was stood up twice this week by two different people. that makes me feel really good about myself. shit. whats soo bad about me that someone would make plans with me and then not show up or answer their phone. thats just downright mean. but im glad i didn't get my hopes up about it. im trying not to do that too much cause i get let down alot.so ima prevent that shit.





kill yourselves

seeing how I haven';t been sleeping lately i've been spending my nights watching alot of episodes of degrassi the next generation on you tube and god damn I love that show. its soooo good. i need more!!!!!!!! thanks for getting me hooked becca!

so i had a dream i killed someone last week. It won't stop. it goes like this. im at some kind of function a party or somehting theres lot of people. then all i hear is people talkig to me in negative tones i can't make out what they're saying but i know it makes me upset and i can feel it. I feel this anger build up and the next thing i see is a bodybag being carried away on a gerney (sorry I don't know how to spell) and im in handcuffs in the back of a cop car. I can't sleep now. i haven't been able to sleep at all since i started having that dream. and yestrday i passed out at work because of that. it scared the shit out of me i thought i was going to die. ive never passed out before ever. so i didn't know what to think. my dad had to come down to my work and pick me up like i was in gradeschool. WTF!! what a week.

alright here it is Im gonna lay it all down here. im tired of putting faith in people that arent gonna be there. I call alot of people friend. but in the long run i get fucked or they just dont want to hang out what ever. Ive been losing alot of friends this year. all im saying is that if you're my friend now you would at least say hi or something instead of ignoring me or nodding your head and kinda acknowledging me. If you're my friend you would talk to me and not blow me off if someone else is there that happens to not like me. Im tired of fairweather friends. No one ever calls me to hang out. and i find out that everyone was hanging out the other day no one invited me. oh cause so and so was there. oh im so sorry that people are shitty. call me if you want to hang out i hate to sound like im full of myself but whatever happened to my friends. people i used to see all the time.right when one or two people stop talking to me everyone else does. fuck that if you are my friend you wouldn't care. mostly fuck you. I feel like im losing alot of people and i don't understand why i should. SHIT.

dude day 3 of no sleep god damn whats wrong with me.

one more day and I'll be legally insane. hahahaha

tomorrow night if you're 21 or up

sams by the sea in PB located right off of grand and mission blvd.
get there early we might play first

I so fucking tired of playing bar shows.

TJ wednsday night w/ Death by stereo be there!!!!! or get shot!!

FUCK!!!!

Im sorry im soo bitter. i guess i just want what you have. like every night i close my eyes and try to sleep and wish just to be happy. and every night ends like that for me.and nothing. just more bullshit. and stress. and hurt. Im tired and im sorry. i guess i hurt on so many different levels.

Soo this last week has been pretty good/bad. Im over alot of things. people. jobs. shit. but I did get to see alot of people that i have not seen in a LOOOOONNNGGGG time. Yesterday was alright considering the fact that i got fucked over from going to disneyland by work. yeah thats right a free trip to disneyland and i missed it cause gabby doesn't work sundays. whatever im quitting soon anyway. but on a lighter note i did get to hang out with brenna. she came down with her son gaven whos is soooooo much fun. i like babies. they're fun to make laugh. It was great to catch up on old times with her i havent seen her since 9th grade. I found out Im going to a doube wedding nex month. Nate and Liza are getting married and so are Wayne and Jackie. Im happy for them. bubt im also worried for them too. not so much wayne and jackie cause I know they can handle it. but nate and liza are like speeding into this relationship. they're soooo gay and in love. its sweet. but still i worry. I don;t want either of them to get hurt. i can;t stop thinking of it. its like everywhere. people are in love and happy and im getting sick. and FUCK valentines day. im notleaving my room at all that day not taking any phonecalls nothing so if you're reading this nothing against you but im not talk picking up my phone for anyone next tuesday.

were playing friday at sams by the sea in PB that should be Interesting. I wish i could do better show than just bar shows. we have ONE good show next month and its in TJ and I dunno how we're gonna do it. cause shit sucks and we can't take our shit down there which means that civet can;'t play either. and i don';t want them to come down for nothing. well at least liza will get to see nate. but that would suck if they came to play and didn't get too I hate that. FUCK!!!

I feel so restless I don't know why. maybe Im wearing down.oh well. I had a good time this weekend saturday was amazing. we played so well.i was pissed so I performed alittle more aggressivly than i normally would. I actually liked it. plus everyother word out of my mouth was FUCK!!!! Calabrese was fucking awesome too. they are some of the most down to earth people I've met in a long while. good band too. Suzi and Liza came down. Nate wrote Liza a song cause he's cheesy like that. but he's in love and im happy for him. I hate Him!! hahahahahaha. I got to ahng out with ashley last night that was fun. we walked to mandarin from her house I ran into Chris cooley who i haven't seen in forever small world. afterwards we went back to her house and hung out and robert came over.Me and robert ended up sleeping over. but he "slept" with ashley in her room and i had the entire living room to myself. needless to say i didn't sleep much on acount of them being loud (if you catch my drift) I kinda wanted to leave but el cajon blvd is kinda sketchy at like 3am. so i just watched meet the barkers. I woke up at like 8 and came home and here i am being a huge loser. FUCK!!

PLEASE GO unless you can't.....